Every once in a while, I am faced with a toddler who is struggling with something like putting their pants on. They sit on the bathroom floor crying and getting mad. And sometimes, I don’t do anything to help them. Okay, I do something to help them, but it isn’t putting their pants on for them. That is because for some toddlers, their own worst enemy is themselves. They are perfectly capable of putting their pants on. I have in fact seen them do it before. But at this point in time they are in a mood and when faced with a small speed bump, fall to pieces instead of putting on their own pants.

But as they sit on the floor and yell for help, I tell them that by encouraging them, I am helping them. Because in the long run, self-help skills are a lot more important than me putting their pants on them this one time. In fact, Montessori is all about independence from an early age. But how do you encourage a toddler? Here are four ways I encourage a toddler without just doing everything for them.

Set Them Up for Success

Now, I don’t condone simply leaving a toddler to their own devices. If you set them up for success, they will be much more likely to actually succeed. In my example of helping them get their pants on, you can set them up for success by handing their pants to them the correct way and coaching them to find a hole for each leg. Make sure you also take a look at the up and over method for putting on coats for another example of setting up a toddler for success.

“You Can Do It”

This is the number one thing I say to a toddler who is struggling. Many children start to condition themselves by saying “I can’t do it.” But we turn that around into “You can do it.” And you know what, most of the time they do end up doing whatever it was that was stopping them. At which point I say “I knew you could do it.” I want them to hear that my confidence in them never wavered and that despite the hurdles they faced, they did end up accomplishing their goal.

“I Believe in You”

One phrase I use more for older toddlers and children is “I believe in you.” By telling them I believe in them, I am conveying that we are on the same team and I feel they are capable of the work they are trying to do. I want them to know that despite the fact that they don’t think I am helping them, I have faith they can do it and that is why I’m not just doing it for them.

Help, Don’t Just Do

I work with 3-6 year olds right now. Many of the older children want to help the younger children, but their methods need a little work. Many times they will “help” by simply taking the work and doing it themselves. I frequently remind them that they should help by providing advice and encouragement, not just doing things for the children.

Maybe it is just because I have worked with children for a while, but I can tell when real frustration sets in. Not just “I have a temper” or “I didn’t sleep enough last night” frustration, but real “I have tried so hard and it just isn’t working” frustration. That is a point where I will step in and offer physical help. Notice I said help and not that I just do it. In my putting on pants example, that would mean that I would offer to pull up the back of the pants while they pull up the front of the pants. It is helping, not just doing.

(If you are dealing with a stubborn toddler, check out my tips to help stubborn toddlers.)

How do you encourage your toddler?